That time heals all wounds, but Ive come to the conclusion it does not. Time doesnt heal wounds, nothing does. All we do is put a bandaid on and hope the scars arent visable, or as visable. Ive grown as a person the past several years, but no matter how much I have grown, or learned, or done I still deeply miss those I have lost, and those who have lost me.
Shannon dying still feels like a dagger to my heart and gut, I was lucky to have her as my friend, and I know that not many people will ever be on her level. To many are dishonest, mean, vengeful etc and so it seems I have ill feelings about her being taken from my life. I dont cry for her daily, but I think of her daily, I do not cry for her weekly, but weekly I miss her and think of her, I do not cry for her every month, but not a month has passed where I didnt scroll through my times with her and look back and have to force myself not to cry.
Michael , my brother, god how I need closure. I try as I might to contact his children but its not easy to find them, I want my nephew to know the man Michael was before the drugs. I want him to know that Michael was a product of his upbringing that he could not get through. Although he was mean, and hurtful to himself and everyone around him, I am one of the few who remember the good in him, and the good of who he could have become. I dont know why I feel Casie is my closure for my brother, all I know is I am driven to find him.
Time has also not healed the wounds of those who took advantage of my good nature, those Ive helped, those I lended my shoulder to, those I loved, and those who continued to use me knowing that I will forgive. I may forgive but I never forget, and I never fully recover from that realization of being used. Everytime I see it, feel it or live it , a bit of me is lost. Its truely not fair, I deserve to be naive and trusting. I deserve to be able to love and be loved without fear of what someones motives are. I deserve more then I get, but at the same time I understand them. I understand that its easy for people to use others, I understand that most people think they are the end all be all in life. I understand that everytime I take a chance and open my heart that I may well in the end lose. That being said, I also understand and accept that this will be part of my life forever. I would rather come across 10 snakes if it brings me one Shannon, I would rather walk through friends made of sewage if it brings me one Froggy. I would rather love and be hurt then to not love at all. I would rather live my life knowing I lived well and loved well then to live my life by shutting down and shutting others out.
Theres my blog for the new year, either you care or you dont, either way thats fine with me, I had nothing else to do but unpack and Id rather write revealing snippits of my soul then wade through boxes of crap I should throw on craigslist.
