1. To tell or not to tell THAT is the question- And I do not have an answer, I do know that if I decided not to tell verbally those I care for, I would personally write them a letter stating all the facts. However I would keep it rather short, writing, stuffing the envelope and licking stamps just brought me down to 20 hours and 18 minutes (but who’s counting?). If I made the choice to share I would tell just one soul, one person whose own eyes bore through me, knowing my deepest fears, pains, loves and desires. I would tell just one soul, as the rest will soon know and if verbally I spoke the words of my impending death I would have less then 19 hours and 2 minutes. I know that may seem odd, after all I am only telling one person of my death, but remember I am telling the one person who valued my life. That one person was a time penalty due to tears, vent, tears, but why, tears, its not fair, tears…get the picture? So it is safe to say that I shall write my letters, after all, for the first time in life I wish to be in the moment, to tell father time to stall my clock, for the first time I have only one deadline and it is fast approaching.

2. To regret – All that was loved and lost is forgiven, to all that was lost and never loved a pity, for in my final moments I shall have no regret. After all today is my day to die, what good is it going to do me to sit around thinking what I should have done versus what I did? Ive made my peace, Ive lived a good life, if others don’t see that then it truly is they with the regrets and not me. My only regret is I forgot where I left my ATM card and there is no way I am dying with that much money to go to a non existing estate. Ahhhh there is still the old fashioned banking, and this is my number 2 I shall spend 46 minutes in the bank withdrawing everything but my 2 cents, if only I hadn’t gone during lunch rush I could have been in and out. I have what 18 and some odd hours left right? (Please don’t expect my math to be up to par, after all today is my special day).

3. My final moment, yes this is my final moment. Around 18 hours left and Im already a bit bored with this whole preparing to die thing. There is nothing better then a road trip to cure boredom. For the next 1028 miles I drive, and I drive, I have time to think, time to reflect, time to regret… My only regret is that in my final moments, my last 18 hours I drive down barren highways, heading out of the world in the manner I arrived…Alone. With just two minutes left I pull to the side of the road, apply lip gloss, recline the drivers seat wonder which time zone I am in and does it matter that Ive switched over? Will I still be taken at this moo…

Saturday started out rough, first we woke up at the time we were supposed to meet Melissa and Chris at the park, and I am not one who accepts being late so needless to say I was a bit rattled.  Then as we are on our way I realize I forgot all the bedding so I head back.  Just as I am pulling back into our drive way Melissa calls and asks if we can pick her up EMT shears since hers broke.  So it was actually good that we were running way behind.  Sadly Harbors did not have any shears.  So we decide we are hungry and head to McDonalds to catch breakfest (we never are up this early on a weekend so this is a treat)  There was one car ahead of us and NO ONE ahead of her, and suddenly I realize Nathan is on the horn and I am yelling “Stuipid Fing Ahole” …The bitch backed up into us.  After finding out our car has no damage but hers does we tell her its no big deal and go our seperate ways. 

Once we arrive at WP my mood shifts.  Im about to get my dive on.  Melissa and I are both working on our navigation, so she brought some numbered milk jugs to set up a little course for our group.  While me and Nathan set up our tent and crap the others went to start setting up.  They only got the start jug in place before there were gear malfunctions so on the next dive (which yay Im on) we were going to set up.  While we are preparing to go Robert with Lake Travis Scuba comes over and asks if we want a free boat dive.  Some rich dude and his plastic eye candy trophy girlfriend paid him to retrieve a anchor they lost.  At first we are all about it, and Robert describes the dive site.  Once he leaves to go get the truck ready me and Melissa register the site brief…”cables…devils cove…” and we decide we do not want to add this to our log books and let the boys know they are free to go but we are not comfortable.  I already go out of my experience but so far I have not gone out of my comfort zone…This dive was out of my comfort zone and no free boat ride is worth that.  However Chris, Nathan, and Matt are well capable and comfortable enough with the situation to go. 

Now is when I go from content to giddy…Diving with just Melissa is a huge treat (no Im not a dyke but shes the best dive buddy ever ) and when it is just me and her is when I feel most capable in not only myself but in the water.  So our plan was to finish setting up the nav course, her run it once , then air permitting just hang around and watch the fish.  My job (yes yay I finally have a job under the water) was to pass her the jugs in order when she needs them, which means we get to make new communication signals.  Wp is very busy, tons of students, hehehe it feels nice not to be the newest SD in the water… and we decend, and wow I must say I am starting to grasp buoyancy, it hasnt completley kicked in yet but I can avoid the crash landing, and I can after just a few adjustments, maintain neutral buoyancy and it barely hold up the dive plan. 

We head to the starting point and I sit by and watch her make her compass adjustments and we head to the first jug that was in place already.  Once we get to the second point I hand her the second jug and watch as she places it and secures it.  At this one I could tell it was not a natural feeling to her (just yet) , and I watch as she writes stuff down on her slate.  Then on to the next point, I notice she is not only much faster but more efficient in her placement and time spent and realize Im really proud that I have a buddy who not only is still learning but is a fast learner at that.  I dont get nearly as much time to check the bottom for anything cool before we are off to number 3.  Number 3 was set up before I even had time to tie up the bag the jugs were in.  Same with number 4.  However at number 4 is when she got to take a few seconds to set her compass to get back to the starting point… She did amazing, considering this was her first time setting this up and the fact shes new to getting so technical with navigation I was very proud of her, we got back with no trouble and both had a butt load of air still left. 

Now she gets to do the run through to see if she was accurate on the degrees and such.  Melissa swam through that course per her writings with ease, although she did make minor corrections to her numbers but they were very minor.  I was really happy for her and I could definitly see the pride she felt in charting the course and felt it as well for her.  We both mesh together in diving because we have similar likes in how things should be, we expect perfection from ourselves but not from others.  So we understand each other I think, and it is one of the many reasons I feel completely secure with her as a buddy.  After we run the course we still have a shit load of air left and decide to play in the water with the fish a bit. 

I love watching the fish watch me, I feel as if they are shrinks and I am the messed up person on the couch, but I dont have to pay them to fix me.  They just do, they fix me, the water gives me this feeling of being enveloped with understanding and acceptence in an unknown world.  Being accepted with the unknown makes the surface easier, I know the surface, I know the world we live in, if I am feeling the grace in the water, then I must surely feel it above (“Don’t call me Shirley, Shirley”…name that movie quote).  While remaining stationary on the platform we watch the world go by us , we watch fish watch us , and then we see Todd, neither of us actually had seen Todd before and the fact that he was okay with us touching him made him even more perplexing.  Todd let Melissa touch him, and since he didnt swim away I touched him as well… which figures, made him swim away.  He was a beautiful fish who was not named until after we were on the surface and identified him and Melissa says “ahhh he’s a crappie, we shall call him Todd”.  Anyways that is getting ahead of our dive so back to the water.  At 700 psi we motion to go to our safety stop, we were at the steps and hovering on these steps was this HUGE monster of a bass.  She literally would not move, no matter how close we got, and in truth seemed a bit pissed of our presence.  When I looked to Melissa to shrug at her to explain the behaviour she just rubs her tummy, that is when I realized the fish was a bass…she meant good eats/ watching over her fry. 

Once we surface I couldnt hold it in.  That was my best dive ever.  There was something amazing in the way the dive went from start to finish.  It was exactly what I needed to start my weekend.  There were so many little signs that I am coming into my own under water.  One of the biggest things I felt and saw was that Melissa does not feel like she needs to watch over me constently, as if we transformed together from scared newbie, to equal buddies.  Thats actually it, (seriously the following just hit me while writing this)  I think finally Melissa felt I was safe enough to be her buddy,  in a good way, not that I wasnt a buddy to her before but before I was so new and she did not know me enough to tell if I was safe.  Now I think she sees me and is comfortable with my skill to a point she to can relax in the water with me, she can somewhat let her guard down with the knowledge that we together are okay.  Wow.  I hope to get her feedback on if thats the case because it will help me to accept that I finally am coming into this unknown world and can be looked upon as a competent scuba diver with the skills to take care of myself and aid in taking care of my buddy if the need so arises.  I just got goose pimples, I really am a scuba diver, I really am able to after just a little over a month of diving, feel this sense of my existence as a scuba diver.  I breathe under water… me, wow.  I think the past dives were more surreal for me, as if I was just an observer directing a film that eventually I would star in.  

Okay I actually just had to take a break from the blog, I needed to grasp all that I had just realized and wrote.  I basked in this new found status others referred to me by, but I had not truely felt yet.  It was a very beautiful moment and I do not think anyone will understand how important that previous paragraph was to me but I hope that it is accepted and that my friends do not start referring me to the yellow pages to seek thearpy.  Anyways back to the diving, or well at this point the surface interval, me and Melissa reiderated our happiness at staying behind from the boat dive, it was to me a perfect dive, and the happiness was evident in my words, tone, and body language.  Theres something to be said about the vulnarable emotions I have after a dive, its as if I am a more naive me.  One who has not experienced a world of pain in the past 30 years, the me that is trusting and open to the world.  Now the dive perticulars, we had a max depth of 54 feet, down for 58 minutes (my longest dive thus far) the vis was at best 15 feet, maybe 20 but I suck at determining that so dont quote me on it.  The water temp was not bitter cold, but it helped that the surface was in the mid 90s. 

Our plan for the next dive was to play with the camera, after all I need to get me a proper dive avatar for scuba board.  However that started to change as the boys came back from a not very successful retrieval.  For this fact I will state the following,  Robert with Lake Travis Scuba has not had a easy time trying to get this anchor, and the nice guy he is has gone above and beyond in trying to help this couple out.  Also I must point out that he is a new resource to us divers and as such I would like to take the time to promote his business for a bit before ending this chapter of the weekend.  When I first met Robert was 2 weekends ago when I had my first boat dive.  I had blogged about it but somehow the blog disappeared in cyber space and my words on his operation were gone.  It was well known to him that I had not been on a boat dive, and although his job simply was to charter us to the sites of our choosing , he took the time to explain many things to me about the boat, the sites, the lake, safety, and well you name it and he helped me.  The only thing he failed to mention was that it is normal to tip a boat dive.  Sadly I did not do this, because I didnt realize it.  And knowing what I know of Robert it probably did not cross his mind that I did not tip.  I truely feel that the whole reason he is operating the giant stride is simply because he loves this sport and the people in it.  I think the tip he enjoyed was the moment his divers surface and thank him , with our smiles of joy at seeing parts of the lake not easily accessable.  Because of this reason I urge any Austin divers, and others planning to visit Lake Travis to go to www.laketravisscuba.com and book a trip with his operation as soon as possible, and tell him I sent ya.  That way I can feel less guilty about my lack of tip that he more then deserved.  I know I plan to make as many trips as possible with them, you will find no greater sense of hospility then you will with him and his boat “The Giant Stride” .  Thank you Robert, thank you for showing me Sternes Island and the old Scuba Park, thank you for taking a chance and starting a business catering to scuba divers, we all thank you and appreciate the vision you help create by showing divers parts of Lake Travis that may get ignored or over looked.

Due to life I must end this weekend blog , but I shall share my other 4 dives including the night dive shortly.  For now I must go do what other people do, work… but while I take this surface interval of life, I will bask in the dives that I took this past weekend.  The dives that shaped me into a title I finally earned…Scuba Diver. 

The day started out a bit sketchy, Nathan was just starting to pack for his trip and I had to have him at the airport by 11 to be early for the boat dive.  Who starts to pack the morning of a business trip?  One that takes you away for a week?  Sigh, thats the other problem, my house is completley empty, no kids, no Nathan, just me, what the heck?  This will definitly be a LONG week!  We get Nathan to the airport and I head out to Lake Travis Scuba , Today would be dives 10 and 11, I will meet 5 new divers and all of them are WAY more experienced then I am.  Talk about intimidating.  I had already talked with kvalve and ftwdiver so I was looking forward to putting the emails with the faces. Once I finally arrived at the Marina (yes I got lost, twice, jeesh) I notice two scuba divers.  They really are not hard to pick out of a crowd, just look for the shirt with the dive flags.  I meet Zinc (Brandon 1) and an older man (cant remember his name, he was the smart ass with the rebreather hehehee).  I was a bit confused on procedure , I had no idea it was okay to take the golf carts, nor did I realize they were there on purpose to be taken.  Brandon gave me a quick briefing …take gear out, put on cart, move car, look both ways at the top of the hill (Im on a standard and not exactly proficient going up a hill) and I was in motion.  It surprises me that I feel a bit less clustered at the beginning of a dive, that is until I get to the boat. ..

Lake Travis Scuba, owns the boat we will be on today, and well Ive only been on a boat once, and I have only shore dives atup until this moment.  However I get within shouting distence of “The Giant Stride” and already am being welcomed.  Bill, David , Jim Bob, whatever you want to call him (as long as you call him) helped me orientate with preparing to leave for a boat dive.  He was a patient man who had no problems teaching me a bit so I can not be one of “those divers” with no boat manners.  I was instantly set at ease, I knew at that moment I was going to have a blast.  The boat is quite nice here you can see a view of the outside http://www.laketravisscuba.com/gallery.html, inside where the gear sits is probably pretty standard, maybe even on the big side for boat dives, thats what I gathered from the more experienced divers anyway.  However theres a nice somewhat inside area with ample dry storage and comfortable seating.  While I am setting up my BCD I get my number (Im number 2) so I wont get left behind, and I also get a water weenie with a whistle (Im such a kid, saying weenie still makes me laugh almost as hard as when they are inflated, Im definitly the larger child in this family).  Also at this time is when I get to meet “frank” / Matt / ftwdiver and Brandon 2 / txmanager,  Brandon 2 is extremely shy but nice and polite and Frank is on the quiet side to, you can see his excitement as well and we joke a bit about our previous exchanges.  Finally I get a call that Melissa and Chris are about to pull up with our tanks and so I head back to the front to help them unload. 

Since I am over 15 I got to drive the golf carts, to bad they are slow, I can see the fun if they went just 5 more mph.  Once I am at the front I see kvalve, I only recognized him because he had been described to me as a old tall teddy bear with salt and pepper hair (I added the old part lol).  He is one of the few that read my blogs all the way through, so I definitley gotta give the man a huge, he was also correct in his height.  Its nice to not always be the tallest person in the group.  Instantly at ease with the man.  Ive known of his experience and Ive talked with him enough to already respect his view and opinion in this sport and now to top it off he is very down to earth for a watergod.  Even though I am so new , I was not treated as if I had cooties, I am a newb but thats okay cause they were once to.  Its nice that they saw that, as that isnt always the case.  In skydiving a newb is looked down upon generally, as if the skygods skydived out of the womb or something.  This is a refreshing feeling to me.

Once  we are all packed up and on board the group decides Sterns Island to start.  At first it was going to be me and Melissa in our own group, but Chris, Frank and Brandon 2 joined us.  We recieved a great briefing of the area and what to see.  We were asked if we saw the lawnmower if we could tip it back the right way.  I still am not good at calculating the time it takes to get ready and was baking in my 7 mil wetsuit with an additional 2 mil on my head and core so I offered to get in the water first.  I had not taken a stride since training so I was a bit nervous but did fine and did not smash my face in the water first.  Once we all grouped up we decended.  I had a bit of trouble breaking the surface so I decided to calm down a bit and relax, funny enough that works and down we went.  We were heading out to the sailboat and on the way Melissa found me a intact carnival cruise hurricane glass for a treasure.  We checked out the boat, and heading towards the lawn mower.  The five of us put it right which was surprisingly cool to do and its about this time Melissa made a new friend and had me laughing my butt off underwater.  It wasnt to long after this that someone hit 1500 and we had to turn around.  We found a nice spot to do our safety stop and I hit the surface with 1200ish psi.  The boat wasnt to far away from where we came up at, and once at it I realized that I had to climb a ladder to get back on, uhhhh I had 20 lbs of weights, crap, and with all the waves and not using them to my advantage I got knocked off the ladder half way up.  Now kids, my first PSA of the blog is this …. when climbing back in the boat have your reg in your mouth and goggles on!!! I learned this the hard way so listen to my advice lol.  Since we had a long time to wait for the 3 solos or whatever they were doing this is when David/JimBob/ Boat operator gave me some more boat training per say.  Which is good because I definitly plan to use his services more often.  The vibe of the boat was awesome.  I was granted getting motion sickness but they also told me how to fix that.

Once Kvalve got on the boat he asked me how deep I went, and well 60 ft, and he laughed and ribbed my rule following ways and said “and not one inch over hahaha” thats when I remembered I had broken a rule the day before and had to tell him all about my rebel ways. 

Our next site was going to be the old scuba park, and me and Melissa were going it alone this time.  We were planning to do a straight out then in dive.  Thinking that we would get that navagation right.  I of course got ready to early and had to hurry into the water, then Melissa, and we were decending before anyone else even was in the water.  I knew this meant we had plenty of time to rest on the boat before others came back up.  Prior to the dive we talked about how I felt comfortable to go deeper if it was just the two of us.  She knows my oh shit faces, the good oh shit and the bad oh shit.  This whole dive was a bunch of good oh shits.  At my max depth to date I was the most relaxed to date.  We saw one boat , one milk truck, and one inverted pool shell.  About that time is when I hit my turn around mark.  The plan had been to head to shore at 1500 psi and play around that area until we got down to 700 ish psi.  We used our compasses and headed to shore… at 15 ft we were in middle water NOT shore.  So we had a very interesting safety stop, one that had me laughing and actually enjoying the choas of not having anything around…Since we were not where we planned to be we surfaced after 3 minutes and realized we should use the weenie (hahahhaa) because we were a bit far from the boat.  I couldnt shut up about how awesome the dive had been, it was just amazing.  Granted neither of us on either dive saw even one fish but it was still an amazing dive. 

Once on the boat we got to talk about the dive some more and just enjoy how beautiful the lake was.  That is except for other boaters.  Now folks here is where I get serious, just because any Joe, Dick , or Nancy can rent a boat does not mean they should be excluded from the rules.  The boat has a HUGE flag on it and he also flies a flag.  The flag means divers down ya dumb shits.  When the three uber experienced guys weenies (hahahha) came up, we saw a pontoon boat heading straight for the weenie (hahaha) as if it was a beacon to say “Hey come look at me” … Its not a beacon, it means theres someone holding on to the other end.  I stopped swearing at them to stop once I saw the kids on the boat, and as the boater BARELY missed the weenie (hahahha) and drove past us he apologized.  Thats all good since no one was hurt, but next time it happens and my head gets run over, sorry isnt going to cut it Mister, Im gonna be pretty pissed when my happy day turns into watching a diver getting rescued and or being rescued because anyone with 60 bucks a hour can rent a boat with no knowledge of anything but turn the key and go. 

Once everyone was onboard we get to head back to the dock.  It was a rather enjoyable boat ride.  It didnt hurt to have such awesome people around me.  However the 3 H’s took over about 5 mins into the boat ride and I was already planning how to fulfill the one with food involved.  We decided Mexican is the best after dives so we were going to hit Iquana’s after wards.  6 of us agreed to go and let me just tell you the food was glorious except the meat was a bit dry, and the view was awe inspiring.  When you eat there make sure you try a Melon Margarita, they float midori around the frozen bliss and it was to die for.

If you have not dived with Lake Travis Scuba, then book here http://www.laketravisscuba.com/about.html right now he has openings but I dont suspect it will be easy to get a seat for long.  You have plenty of dive sites to choose from, its value priced, and the entertainment value is ten fold.  Tell him I sent ya, lol.  And if you have been on the giant stride then you know how great it is and Ill see ya there.  I plan to take the boat at least once a month , support your local dive shop and dive operation because Lake Travis Scuba is the best, and a great compliment to Windy Point.  Austin definitly is a dive town and we have two of the best resources to utilize our lake, if we dont use them, we may lose them and I still havent seen the whole lake … so book now, just save me a seat.

My planned hour in the dive shop turned to 4 so we knew we wouldnt have time for a dive before Melissa and Chris get to Windy so we hang out.  Since Im in the wetsuit I get a bit warm and decide to get in the water.  Yea uhhhh it was cold…Ive started to wear the 5 mil because it is a much better fit, but I hadnt realized just how much warmer that 7 mil is.  It was horrible, I did not like being in the wetsuit without my BCD on!  I lasted just a few minutes before I decided to get out and just sit and wait.  At this time Im giving Nathan the evil eye, he has the hood , the 7 mil, the nice happy warm gloves and the extra layer of man handles to keep him warm. 

Chris shows up and I can already tell hes either A.  Not diving, or B.  Going in slacks and a polo, I assumed it was A.  He was walking with a limp so he was just going to be an observer.  Finally my Melissa gets there, yay dive time.  As we catch up about the gear I just bought we start to go over the plan for the dive.  Nathan seems to understand the dive plan, and he knows I like organization, hell in the car ride over I had just told him “now were not going there to have fun were going to dive, so no playing around and popping down in front of me without warning”  Diving to me is fun, when we plan the dive and dive the plan.  In all aspects of life things follow according to my to do list and when they dont the fun for me is less and or stops.  Nathan on the other hand thinks that makes me a old fuddy duddy or whatever.  That should have been my first indication that its hard to dive with someone you share a bed with. 

Without going into to much detail I will state that we did not follow the plan, me and Melissa tried, but we failed to get Nathan to grasp the concept of turn left.  It didnt help he had problems with everything, from clearing (Its early and often babe, not when the pain reminds you) to his mask always fogged.  We ended up spending 30 minutes of platform playing.  From somersaults, to handstands, to hiding my bare fingers because the fish think they are hotdogs.  I got to try Melissas pony bottle, dude that thing is so adorable and light, one day I want one.  The good thing about staying in one spot is I got to see my improvements.  My buoyancy is getting much better, Im starting to feel what is right and making small adjustments versus large ones and screwing it all up.  I also noticed there was not one bit of panic or nervousness that was above normal new fear.  Even when we TRIED to follow the dive plan and I was thinking I am brail diving. 

In the car Nathan pointed out that I am to much a drill sgt to dive with often lol.  I was good by not pointing out that he got on my nerves as well.  I tend to be the bigger bully in our relationship so I let him be the one who for once got to state complaints.  Disclaimer – Nathan does not read my blog as he is to ADHD.  It was nice to see him under the water, so we will continue to try to dive together, and maybe one day I wont want to knock him up side he big ole head when he goofs off versus following the dive plan but for now I will always try to have Melissa there so Im not stuck being the only one not getting to follow a plan. 

After we packed up we decided to go to a place that was spoke highly of, its called “The Boat House” its on the corner of 2222 and 620.  Its a mom and pops type place and the food was amazing.  I know I know food always taste better after diving but for real this was the best buger Ive had in a long time.  They have a teeshirt that says “Catfish Patrol” that I wanted , but considering I got all my new gear I decided I shouldnt spend another 10 bucks on the cool teeshirt. 

We decide to pow wow back at the house and decide where to go to next.  I had just spent 50 bucks on rental gear and tanks, I MUST dive.  We decide to head to Mansfield Dam, hey new site, Im game.  Once there the nerves set in.  This is un-planned and anyone who knows me knows that I am to organized to accept a change of plans without feeling a bit choatic but I try to hide the nerves as I gear up.  One thing I am happy about is when setting up I did not have to “think” about it, I just knew what went where without the mental checklist.  Granted I still went through the checklist after gearing up just to make sure.  Melissa is very observant and knew I was nervous, it is nice to recieve the encouragement from a much more skilled diver who is able to pick up on symptoms of nervousness and stress.  It is a new site, so its normal.  Bill somehow is super SCUBA because he was geared up and ready to go in 3.4 seconds flat so once I was ready I went out to the water.  This was my first time with such a large group, 5 in total.  I had 26 pounds of weight but once in the water I realized I must be getting a bit better with breathing because I was literally a rock.  I ended up using 14 pounds and I feel I can go down to 10 pounds easy.  Granted I was in a proper fitting wetsuit and it was 5 mil instead of 7.  The plan was to surface swim to the white buoy and then follow the rope down to the wrecks.  The algea was in bloom and vis was not nearly as good as it was last time I was on lake travis, this created some drama in my head, while on the surface I was convinced that I was being nibbled at and touched by fish.  Thank goodness for the mask. 

Chris was being all cool like and testing his new mask, however that new mask had him using air the whole time it was on, I dont remember its name, but I do know he had no one else to talk to NEENER NEENER NEENER.  Nathan was taking forever and 2 days to get geared up so I had plenty of time to acclimate to the water temp and get to the buoy.  Bill Chris and I just sat around and bullshitted while waiting and it was comforting and I was getting really excited to see the wrecks.

Once everyone was at the spot we would decend at I went into diver mode, my nerves were relaxed a bit and I was confident it would be a great dive.  Bill was leading, so I kept my eyes on him during my decent.  Although I did often check the others , Chris was on my right, but Melissa and Nathan were slightly above.  Nathan gets “stuck” at about 10 feet , we were now two smaller groups, but per the plan we were to meet up at the platform , so me Chris and Bill continued down.  I cleared properly and often enough, and had no issue with my ears.  Once we hit 20 feet the bloom cleared up and we had what I would guesstimate borderline 20 ft visibilty.  There were not as many fish here as Windy Point but there was still some living eye candy at the platform.  We werent there very long before Nathan and Melissa showed up. 

Bill pointed out the rope and we were off, one thing I remember is I felt uncomfortable holding on the rope, it is nice to have that guide but I felt constricted and almost grounded ha ha.  Afterwards I found out I did not HAVE to stay on the rope, that it was there to guide me DUH.  Sorry folks I take the dive plan literally.  The last enjoyable experience on the dive was the spider boat.  The boat is a cruiser type vessal and was protected by SpongeBob” and a honkin huge spider.  I very much wanted to enter the cabin but knew it was not acceptable as I am unaware of added dangers entering a wreck could lead to. 

As I was going over and around the cruiser I ascended approx 5 feet, once we were all back together after viewing the boat we started to take off again, that take off included going back down 5′ to reach our depth of 58′.  It was that precise moment, starting that decent that I felt and heard a pop.  This pop was followed by pain in my left ear , extreme pain at that.  I signaled that I needed to go up a bit and me and Melissa went up a few feet.  I tried clearing, and thought I had but I was a bit out of it and signaled I was okay to try again.  Boy was I wrong, as I started to decend again I felt a sudden and sharp pain behind my left eye and in my head I was hearing all these odd sounds that were not present in previous dives.  The pain was so severe in my eye that I signaled I needed to surface.  I let Melissa know my ear and eye were bad and we started up, the pain was so severe that I felt my eye was literally going to come out of the socket.  All I could think about was the pain and that I had to ascend slowly.  I was obsessive with watching my gauge, almost panic like in the fact I was barely doing anything but watching the gauge.  I knew I needed to still make my decompression stop since I had 1500 psi of air, and to avoid any additional damage.  When I would spend to much time staring at the gauge Melissa would tap the gauge and point at her eyes and up.  I was aware she was helping me to avoid tunnel vision as well as helping me remain aware of my surroundings.  I have a high threshold for pain, Ive been on chemo and Ive had kids, yet I was crying into my mask from this pain.  I rarely cry and never in front of others as I see it as weakness.  Yet I openly cried in front of Melissa during this time.  (disclaimer- others crying is not them showing weakness, this is my feelings on me crying so all you crybabies out there no negative feedback on that comment haha )  At approx 15 to 20 feet I stop, and start the decompression, since I was not diving the computer and did not have a watch I signaled for Melissa to time.  That was the longest 3 minutes of my life.  All I could think about was the pain, which had not recieved relief in the 40 ft ascent.  I will never, EVER dive without my own watch or computer, I felt incredibly burdoned by relying on another to time our decompression.  It was not a trust issue, as I trust all Ive dived with, it was a control issue,  I did not have control over how long I had to wait, I had no refrence to the time as I was busy with the pain and found myself annoyed by the amount of times I kept asking if we could go up.  Although the pain was still there once I was clear from my wait, my training stepped in, I looked up on my ascent and although I was being held by Melissa the whole way still maintained some form of control in getting to the surface, that is until I broke through.  The need to hold my eye in place (no it was not actually out ) was so strong I just threw my mask and snorkal off.  Thank god Bill was following, and decided “Thats not good” as he watched a mask and snokel fall below.  He just saved me about 90 bucks  THANKS BILL! 

All in all it was actually a good dive,  in retrospect I did kick ass in maintaining my thought process and never once lost the regulator while under water, nor did I make a bee line for the surface.  I followed procedure as much as I could remember, and maybe exactly as I was told once the emergancy took place.  I also was able to see Melissa respond in a rescue, and because of her skill and composure the rescue was never a rescue.  Had she not been there I may have gotten tunnel vision, I may not have decompressed the right amount of time, and I may very well have screwed up more.  She was exceptional in her way of handling the situation and she should definitly feel pride for her ability to react and handle a buddy having an emergancy.  For myself I have wondered how I would handle a situation that places my life in danger in the water, and at times was scared that I would not handle it properly, but now I know otherwise…Dive 8 , yuppers I got “The Squeeze” in the sinus and the ear and I lived.  I more so then ever appreciate the training I recieved from Nik, and feel my ability to surface safely is a combination of his training of me and Melissa’s training.

The downside of the incident was my inability to stop thinking about it.  The rest of the day was spent at Melissa and Chris’s house for a bonfire and weenie roast and all I could do was jello shot the pain away and constently think about my actions and anyone who listened was told the “No shit there I was..” story in the hopes that they could give me reasons why it happened.  After research I realize it was the action around the boat the ascent and then decent of 5 feet.  I was not aware enough of my allergies and did not realize that I should not have even dived in the first place.  Today the ear is better, and well the sinus headache is still there but I am okay and in the future the lessons of this dive will always be at the forethought of my mind. 

SCUBA LOG

04/06/2008

Dive 1

Well today was the day, the day I finally got to dive since training finished in San Marcos. Since before I learned to SCUBA dive I have been unsure exactly how I feel about it. When asked if I like diving my over all response has been “It’s interesting, but I’m not sure”. I have always had a high fear of the unknown, and a fear of water. This goes to show SCUBA should not be for me. Most of the water world is a huge unknown. At the back of my mind I know that I know just enough about SCUBA diving to be dangerous. Seriously only 5 dives under my belt so in the grand scheme of this world I know nothing.

I was set to dive with Chris and Melissa, Chris had been there during my training open water dives so I knew at the very least I have a dive master to recover my remains should I die, or have a catfish bite my face off. I had yet to meet Melissa well I hadn’t realized I had, it was nice to see that she was the one who helped me look at gear from a Chicks perspective. From the day I met her she eased a few fears I had that were technically more myth then fact. So speed up to Windy Point Park, Austin Texas… just the park itself is awesome, a bit pricey for my cheap self but the parks amenities warrant the cost. We take the rickshaws down to the picnic benches and I immediately feel the nerves double in size as I watch my surroundings. First off most the more experienced divers have dry suits and I am a wimp with the cold. I had not realized that 60 degree water is no match for 7 mil yet. In my head I was picturing my blue face bobbing up and down next to the buoys and Melissa and Chris having to pry my frozen fingers off my computer. Yes yes yes I am a bit dramatic in my thoughts, and my imagination often gets the best of me in thought only. The good aspect is my ability to realize the drama and exaggeration and put it to the side.

As I am considering gearing up, I hear Chris tell Melissa “its your dive, you and Lisamarie make the plan and I will be there” and then low and behold, Melissa is by my side with a map (and by map I mean a piece of paper with numbers on it and a picture of a shark and turtle) I truly did not understand the map that much at first. Melissa starts going over the first dive plan idea and I was game. We were going to start out and just acclimate to the water temp, and also the newness as I think my fear showed and was possibly dripping out of my ears. We would start out , go see the turtle, a different platform, a shark, then go to 15 and rest for 3 minutes then surface. In hindsight it seemed complicated to me and I was a bit confused on how it was going to all come together. During training you do not have to have such an intensive navigation route so I was thinking that we would not succeed on seeing it all but was hoping. I was reminded to clear early and often and to remain calm. We went over the hand signals to make sure we were on the same wave length and also over buddy breathing techniques since I was using a BCD that had the secondary integrated.

Next thing I know we are walking over to the stairs, Melissa in front and Chris following close behind. I felt trapped, and decided I could not flake out easy because someone was covering my escape route. I grab the railing and by this time convinced myself that I was going to at least survive this dive. It took me three stairs before I felt the water slowly seep into my bootie, ohm not bad at all. So I move faster and exclaim “this isn’t cold at all” and Chris states “give it about 10 seconds” approx 5 seconds later I am stricken with a rush of bone crushing cold and I literally scream out in surprise. Melissa and Chris just laugh it off as if they KNEW this would happen. Lucky for me the cold passes fast and I am quite comfortable and relaxing a bit.

Next thing I know were starting to descend, oh shit I know there are things I am supposed to remember, yes I need to let out air, and uhhhh regulator in my mouth, yup that’s where it goes. Breathe, yes , that’s it I need to breathe. Looking at Melissa I realize I am not sinking, nope I am basically snorkeling with a regulator, not exactly what I am here for, I try for a few seconds to fight down and signal to surface, since we literally had only a inch or so to go we were up fast. I let them know I think that its more my fault and that I do not think I am under weighted. I knew I was not fully expelling the air in my lungs. So we try again and success I start to slowly descend. Using the rail to help me stay in one place. At about 15 feet we rest for a second to give me time to see the fish and the environment I just voluntarily entered. I am stunned, I had seen fish in Aquarena but I had not seen fish this big. The first big catfish I swear was a good 3 feet long and secretly was plotting to take me hostage and bite my face off, but he must have ADHD because he did not even make one attempt on my face nor my life. I felt I did fair on the dive overall, I was a bit unsure if I was staying at a safe distance from Melissa and often felt I was to close or to far. I did well at maintaining communication with her and felt that I was aware of what was needed of me and from me. Granted with time I will tune the skills a bit better but think I have a great foundation. During this first dive we worked a bit on buoyancy, which I am not horrible at but by no means am I respectable at it. Thank goodness I didn’t drag the bottom, I was worried Id be “one of those divers”.

When we were at a platform and it was obvious I was comfortable with the surroundings Chris had me practice switching to my secondary, which I am grateful for as its known Id prefer to practice my Eps before they are not for practice. I’m very comfortable with my ability to share air with another diver and hope I can continue to remind myself that it is okay to practice these as often as needed to have them become engrained in this bubble head of mine. Also got to see the turtle, when I reached 1500 psi we had to turn back. How the heck did that happen so fast? How is my dive almost over? As we were turning around I caught sight of the jet ski, dude there is a jet ski chained to the bottom, and funny enough it didn’t seem like a wasted jet ski, as a matter a fact when I surfaced I saw a boat and my thought was “they should chain that to the bottom”. Back to the dive, I did not get to explore the jet ski because we were done and heading back. We of course got to see things on the way back but we dived the plan and that means no jet ski for me.

The first amazing point for me that was really remarkable was when we reached a platform and I notice Melissa and Chris turn to almost a reclining position, so I follow suit and the moment I turn around I notice at the very least 25 fish of various types staring straight at me, as if they are the FBI and I am Jimmy Hoffa. Wow, nothing can really describe how it feels to discover you are the subject of a marine life stake out. As I sit there and just stare at the Texas Cicada I wonder what it thinks of me, does it find my nose appetizing? What makes me so interesting? Are they uncomfortable with my intrusion of their world?

Okay back to the real world, we reach the point where we get to start going to the surface, and surprising enough even that isn’t boring. At 15 ft we of course take a 3 min break and it was exactly 3 minutes because I was wearing a really cool computer that counts down to the second. When we actually surface and I take the regulator out of my mouth I just start laughing uncontrollably from shear and utter joy.

Pros of my actions

* Maintained acceptable communication with my buddy

* Maintained a calm thought pattern regardless of nerves

* Planned the dive and dived it

* Used my breathing to help maintain neutral buoyancy

* Had fun

Cons of my actions

* Felt awkward in my position in relation to my buddy

* My forward motion was taxing, must find a better way to reserve energy by letting my fins work for me. Stop fighting the gear.

* Had to actually think about breathing slow , and deep with a full exhale, must dive more and regular so this becomes automatic.

* Remember to inflate the BCD at the surface, there is no reason for me to have to tread water when my gear is fully operational.

Dive 2

After what felt like a surface interval of a lifetime we made our plan again. This time we were going to hit the tunnel of love. At least that was the plan. Although I cleared early and often I still started to feel pain and had to signal to go up a little. I found it much harder to equalize and was a bit perplexed as to the why. I assume its because it was the second dive and my body is not used to this. Although at this point I was no longer in pain I did notice big difference’s in how my ears felt and I was not entirely okay with it. Then again at this point we were at the deepest I had ever been. Since I was not in pain we continued on. At 57 feet I became a bit aware of a new fear, one I had yet to experience in this sport, I could not see the bottom of the lake, I could not see anything to reference my position, I knew up but that was hazy as no longer did I see the glistening sun with its beams riding the waves, instead I saw a light bulb, one that provided very little light in my opinion. Below me was black, I had no idea what was hiding beneath this abyss , and I truly felt a stir of chaotic fear, I am not sure if my expression portrayed this, and my actions were still controlled and not erratic but I do think because of the above combination I sucked my air down entirely to fast. We never made it to the tunnel, we had to turn back. I did however get a great laugh at the toilet, so much so I forgot I was underwater and the regulator fell out of my mouth. Funny enough I lived, all you really have to do is pop it back in your mouth, clear and breathe, Nik was right, my EP’s work.

At one point I was watching the bottom and from no where this honkin big Catfish from the planet Druidia appears and I ended up screaming at the sight, and then of course I ended up laughing at the stupidity that is me. This thing was huge, he definitely is the Top of Lake Travis and he scared me into submission, all I could do was stare in awe at his massive size and to be honest the beauty of him. I felt this spark inside as I sat and watched him slowly swim away, it was a spark of envy, he did not have to surface, he did not to peel out of a stubborn wet suit, James (that’s what I named him) got to live in paradise, he had no restraints in the water, he was not limited by the cost of gear, or training, James lived where I long to be.

At the surface we inflate to let the current float us to the stairs, and as I lay there, on this perfect day watching sailboats , and basking in the glow of two awesome dives I realize that my body may be going home but my soul rests beneath the surface waiting to reunite with me. I had so many beautiful thoughts as I floated away, and the one that got me the most was “okay where do we go next”

Pros of my actions

*Improved in communication with Melissa

*Learned a new way to clear the mask

* Remained in control despite the new fears that evolved.

Cons of my actions

*Oh at this point I am at 6 pages and there are so many things I need to learn and finely tune, all in all I did well for my experience (or lack there of) I felt safe, I felt that I was a decent buddy and that’s enough for today.

Shannon dying still feels like a dagger to my heart and gut, I was lucky to have her as my friend, and I know that not many people will ever be on her level.  To many are dishonest, mean, vengeful etc and so it seems I have ill feelings about her being taken from my life.  I dont cry for her daily, but I think of her daily, I do not cry for her weekly, but weekly I miss her and think of her, I do not cry for her every month, but not a month has passed where I didnt scroll through my times with her and look back and have to force myself not to cry. 

Michael , my brother, god how I need closure.  I try as I might to contact his children but its not easy to find them, I want my nephew to know the man Michael was before the drugs.  I want him to know that Michael was a product of his upbringing that he could not get through.  Although he was mean, and hurtful to himself and everyone around him, I am one of the few who remember the good in him, and the good of who he could have become.  I dont know why I feel Casie is my closure for my brother, all I know is I am driven to find him. 

Time has also not healed the wounds of those who took advantage of my good nature, those Ive helped, those I lended my shoulder to, those I loved, and those who continued to use me knowing that I will forgive.  I may forgive but I never forget, and I never fully recover from that realization of being used.  Everytime I see it, feel it or live it , a bit of me is lost.  Its truely not fair,  I deserve to be naive and trusting.  I deserve to be able to love and be loved without fear of what someones motives are.  I deserve more then I get, but at the same time I understand them.  I understand that its easy for people to use others, I understand that most people think they are the end all be all in life.  I understand that everytime I take a chance and open my heart that I may well in the end lose.  That being said, I also understand and accept that this will be part of my life forever.  I would rather come across 10 snakes if it brings me one Shannon, I would rather walk through friends made of sewage if it brings me one Froggy.  I would rather love and be hurt then to not love at all.  I would rather live my life knowing I lived well and loved well then to live my life by shutting down and shutting others out. 

Theres my blog for the new year, either you care or you dont, either way thats fine with me, I had nothing else to do but unpack and Id rather write revealing snippits of my soul then wade through boxes of crap I should throw on craigslist. 

Highschool drop out

Recieve GED

Attend college

Skydive

Rock climb

Pilot

Aerobatic flight on the Waco Taperwing

3 kids

Lots of pets

Lost brother

Found “me”

Lost a best friend to a BASE jump

Lost a great friend to suicide

Thats pretty much it.  Yet its more then most people ever do in a whole life time.  What can I possibly have to look forward to?  Granted I get to watch my kids grow up, but  I dont want to be grown up.  Does turning 30 mean I have to start acting more mature?  Or can I still play in the rain, or pull pranks on my kids?  When must a person start acting thier age, and does me thinking as a child that 30 was old mean that it is old?  Ugh…

OH and yes I am turning 30 but Deedy will ALWAYS be older

Today was the first day of school so besides being a bit sad I am of course once again FREE….Besides getting weepy (which is stupid, seriously I should be on cloud nine) I had an epiphany on why chicks are way better then men.

My morning went as followed

1.  Wake up and make a pot of coffee

2.  Pack Nathans and the kids lunches (including dorky Mom notes for the kids)

3.  Make THREE different meals… Cody wants pancakes, Kyle toast, Nathan a egg and cheese sandwich. 

4.  Lay out the boys clothes and hound them to complete the “getting dressed” process.  Which includes explaining to Kyle that going  commando is not a good way to start the school year

5.  Take a 5 mins break for coffee.

6.  Fix Kyle and Codys hair and convince them to find socks and the new shoes.

7.  Double check the backpacks for scool supplies… Search and find the items that were taken out by the boys.

8.  Get myself ready.

9.  Completley ready 15 mins before needing to leave.

Nathans morning…

1.  Wake up

2.  Eat

3.  Take a shower

4.  Ask Lisa where my badge is

5.  Ask Lisa if the stains are visable on work shirt

6.  Ask Lisa what time we have to leave.

7.  Get yelled at by Lisa at the 15 min mark. 

8.  26 mins later head to car

9.  Forget lunch and have to run inside

So yes the boys were late for the first day of school.

I got home, and cried.

Now I am going back to bed.  Goodnight blog

There are many reasons, some of which are personal but the main reason is in skydiving I can not include my children.  The day I taught my kids to climb a rock was one of my most prized moments.  The pride I felt as I belayed them is something that even the best skydive cant compare to.  

Ill still hit the occasional boogie, I might even borrow gear for a coach jump, but from this moment on to say I am a skydiver would be a lie.  I havent been a “skydiver” for some time now.  Yes I still jumped, but it was more out of doing something familiar then desire for the sky.  Yes it was fun, but not nearly as fun as my day to day life.  I guess its safe to say that skydiving became just another way to spend the day.   I am not willing to die skydiving, so I have no business jumping.

I dont want to die rock climbing… I am however able to accept the risk.  Hope the “sky friends” will still be friends, but if all we had in common was the sky then we probably arent very good friends anyways so we wont miss each other.

Its been a lovely ride though.